Jessica

Our fate has been decided,
played out like a game of chess.
It's not by chance I met you,
dear Jessica Martinez.

Though I don't know you long,
We get along rather well.
Its only been but a few months,
and already we're like Jacob and Bell.

Our relationship is book-defying,
and it may make God pist.
But I want you to know,
how meaningful your friendship is

You multiply my joy,
whenever I feel happy.
And whenever you're down,
it makes me feel crappy.

I feel a bond towards you,
like to none other before.
A bond that extends from you,
to myself in Singapore.

By Emre Abdul

Thank you :)

Home

Seconds before i breathe my last breath i notice something in the distance...Someone. Running towards me, calling out my name although it sounds like a whisper to me, i know that person is yelling at the top of....his lungs? But it's too late now, I've been struck. Wounded. Abandoned and left for dead. Laying on the grass the scenery made perfect for a romantic scene in a movie. Green flowing grass, clear blue skies, wind soft as a feather carrying the scent of a beautiful morning sunrise. The wound I've been brutally given doesn't pulse with hurt anymore, i am numb. Feeling only his presence when he comes and takes me in his arms. Seeing his face, a mixture of shock, anger, dread, and longing cross his face all at once, like fireworks, one right after the other in a long sequence eventually stopping signaling the end of the show. The end of my life. With one aware look i mouth the words 'I love you.' Dropping a note in his palm that reads:

'I'm hearing you breathing

for the last time.

A song for my heart.

But when it is quiet,

you know what it means and

please carry me home.'

'Carry You Home' By James Blunt.

Loneliness of One (part II)

pointless.

Everything seems like its out of place. Like im the only one who knows somethings changed. i dont know how to say it, how to phrase it, but i'll try,after all what do i have to loose? Nothing, not anymore. Something's changed in our friendship, i used to feel like i could talk to him about anything but now, i feel like he's pushing me away. It's almost like...he doesnt love me anymore. i'm not the one he couldnt live without anymore....i feel it. somethings changed and its major i cant let him go because i made him my everything because he fit the description he used to always be there for me. never faltered now i feel this dark empty void in my soul where he once was. i just wish he'd tell me that its over he doesnt feel a thing for me. other than friendship. Maybe then i can stop fighting for his love and give in to the dark abyss where nothing means nothing and i wont feel anything anymore. not love not friendship nothing. ill be the ant-social loaner i was before him.

i need someone to talk to...

I'm sitting outside its midnight, and im freezing. Im wearing a sweater but its so light it feels like im not wearing it at all. My lap top is between my legs && im listening to the same song i listened to that day he broke up with me. I finally did it. I pushed him away, so far i wouldnt blame him if he never came back. I wouldn't.If it were someone else. I know, no matter what i say, i would always come back to him. I'm writing tonight not with a broken heart but with a shattered heart, the pieces being torn more than they already are. I can feel my heart bleeding. I dug my own grave and now im buried deep inside it, kicking and screaming punching holes in that nailed shut casket wishing and hoping for someone to hear me. But they don''t and im stuck inside it living with the fact that it's my own fault its my stupidity that led to my demise. The breeze is picking up making my body even colder but i don't care, because the one person who kept me warm, kept me alive and loved me is gone. Sometimes when i need him i close my eyes, and i swear i can feel him his arms wrapped around me not saying a word, just holding me. I closed my eyes a minute ago and i felt nothing. I didn't feel that energy from him. I've never felt so alone. But like Ben said, 'deal with it' i am the reason im feeling this way i asked for it. I face a cold empty emotionless road ahead of me. All alone i'll let the cold enrapture me, and listen intently as my heart finally gives out.

"Your always on my heart

Your always on my mind.

When it all becomes too much,

Your never far behind,

And there's no one that comes close to you

Could ever take your place

Cause only You can love me this way."

Encore.

I was right. Usually being right calls for celebration and endless gloating. This version of being 'right' calls for deep depression and a sleepless night. In the back of my mind i knew this day would come. Where he finally says 'I dont like u as much as u like me' code for yeah i've moved on. I just didn't think it'd be here so soon. But now that it is, i can finally be careless, I just want to sink into the deepest hole on earth and scream and shout and cry. Let everyone know that i'm hurting and im hurting badly. But in the end ill suck it up, knowing that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. I resort to screaming into my pillow allowing myself the night to be pathetic, melodramatic, and a nuisance. Starting tonight.

There Goes My Hero.

There's a song by Paramore, its called My Hero..their version of the song made famous in the Superman movie by someone else. This songs purpose is made simple and self explanatory just by reading the title. I have a hero,someone i know will be there for me through everything because he hasn't failed yet. There are countless things he knows about me that others dont. There's so much i have confessed to him, that i find difficult to even think about discussing with someone else. However, thinking now, and i know im going to get my ass kicked for attacking him out of the random blue moon, but Why do i have these feelings for someone who obviously doesn't have them back for me? I tell him everyday how much he means to me, how much he amazes me, with every compliment i give him everyday. Tonight i'm thoughtful. and in fear. Im hopelessly and undeniably in love with him. and i make that fact known everyday....however he doesn't say anything back just laughs. and sometimes it makes me wonder...does he still feel the same way about me? there are some things that lead me to believe there's nothing left between us.We used to speak almost all day, now? we spend moments talking...hardly. i miss how we used to be, open and inseparable. now i just feel like i lost him. which makes me think theres someone else and that thought hurts. more than i thought it would. no matter what ill never be prepared for that time when he finally gets a gf and tells me. im still determined more than ever to just simply drop out of the picture for good. I know i wont be able to survive without him but ill manage to succumb to the empty hole he'll leave in my heart, and spend my life asking myself...why not me.

My Hero - Paramore

venting and it feels soo...harsh?

I have so much to say. My problem is i don't know how to say it. I'm fed up with Lorenzo. Honestly do u really think i believe all that bullshit? Do you really think of me as THAT gullible? THAT stupid? No, I've been amongst your type, complete idiots. I wont buy your bullshit for a second. Just because i say 'yeah, ok, Zo i believe you' doesn't mean i actually do. secretly behind my back i cross my fingers. Yeah, i do. Cause to me your just a guy who wants nothing more than to sleep with ur female group of friends and brag about it. but you wont break me. I am unbreakable. I've tripped up once but I wont anymore. Fuck that, You won't play me. Why do you lie? Your face book says everything. Your horrible at hiding the evidence. Thinking things through....i realize i really don't care. your a player always have been always will be. You were there for me when i was weak, and i thank you, however you will never be a treasured friend. You are below me.

Always On My Mind.

Just because i say i'm okay doesn't mean i really am. I started doing this last week. I sneak out of my room, (yah like my parents are actually gonna check to make sure im 'sleeping' in my room.) i go to my spot on the mountain, its quite a hike but its the best place to watch the entire night sky. I take my ipod cause honestly this place is, like i said, quite a hike from my house. But once there i look up at the sky and i think about how majestic it looks how up there theres a world so very different from ours. And then i see my first shooting star of the night. and my mind drifts from amazed to speechless cause when i see a shooting my star my thoughts go directly to him. the one that makes me go weak at the knees the one who makes my heart soar when he says he loves me out of the blue, the one that makes me smile my brightest smile when my phone buzzes and beeps.

I think alot, when im at the boulder it's more that than a mountain really, I think about what it would be like to live on a star...It would be cool if stars were like luxurious condos available to anyone, but i guess when the star became a shooting star the people on it would be screwed...ok maybe thats not a good idea. Then i think about earth and finding a peaceful, secluded beach somewhere where i can run into the ocean and let the waves engulf me and swallow me whole. A private beach i can call my own where i can lay on the shore and stare up at the night sky again and day dream. BUT like most of my thoughts, HE comes into my day dreams and once again my heart races, my eyes stay glued to him permanantly, and i definitely cant think straight. It's a feeling that drives me crazy...it's also a feeling i wouldnt trade for anything.

Miluju tě "D lol

I'm fucking pissed. Rebecca, this is for you.

Alright so listen up your my friend. I've tried helping you in situations with J and B. Rebecca, what u told me, last night really upset me. You have a great boyfriend. sure he's made mistakes but who hasnt? I can tell by the way you speak of him that you really do love him. However, when u told me what happened between you and B that made me think your taking J for-granted. Your in a committed Long distance relationship. It's something i would DIE for. You really have no idea. I love matt. ALOT. I would kill to be with him. Even if its long distance. But that wont happen for me. You have it honestly yeah im a tad jealous of that. Cause u have something i sooo desperately want. and ur taking it forgranted....kissing other guys when u have someone who loves u. It's fucked up.

Sounds like Your Just Some Stuck up Asshole to Me

So at work we listen to country mostly, i love country im a huge fan Jason Aldean is my ultimate favorite male artist but its hard to choose a female. However today on some downtime i had while rolling silverware this song came on the radio...now before u read on any further listen to the song. Thanks to 'Imeem' i managed to hesitantly embed it into this blog post. so give it a listen so i know if were on the right page..........Now,this song, i do give it some credit it does sound like someones in the gutter and needs help getting out. It does sound like life. however as i thought more into the song i noticed a tone. a "i dont really give a fuck cause im stinkin rich" tone. and then that just pissed me off. because i thought back to my "situation" only one person knows about it. and i thought to myself if that was me, and someone was telling me yeah shit happens id be pissed off. these writers sure as heck dont know whats going on with the economy. people loosing their jobs, loosing their homes, loosing everything and with families to support. what the fuck. People get a much needed reality check and look around you. yeah its just a song but its a fucked up song that should have NOT been released. I pray your never in a situation like most Americans are in today. thank goodness people helped my family and i out of ours. We will be forever eternally greatful to them.

Sounds Like Life

Untitled.

Its 12:45 AM and i need to pee. I'm in my room, no lights are on except for the glow of my lap top. (yes my lap top glows. Its is the Savior of lap tops) There's no sound. None. Monotonous. Listening to my ipod, Couldn't stand the silence. I leave my pod on shuffle it plays a random song each time i press play and the song it goes to? "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry. Bah-Humbergh! I need to clean my room. Badly. there's dust bunnies everywhere, pens scattered accross the floor, tiny scraps of paper, and my comforter has found sanctuary by being bunched up in a corner. gah. I found a picture online, it's really pretty, thinking of this gives me peace. A comforting feeling, knowing that in my dreams he'll always be with me. Willingly. In my dreams our love will never end and we'll spend everyday falling deeper and deeper in love, staring up at the sky like the couple in this photograph. Wait erase that, we ARE the couple holding hands, in love, Knowing it's just them on earth at that moment, having no worries, having nothing but adoration towards each other.

It's just you & i.

Kiss Me Quick but Make it Last....

He's everyehere. And i do mean everywhere. He's in my dreams, where he is making me trip over my feet, drool, and make my mind blank when he looks at me or speaks to me, he makes me laugh out loud while im asleep. he's always on my mind which only makes it seem like im insane because either im giggling or i have a permanent smile attatched and no way to wipe it off. most of all he's always around, Im walking down the street i see someone who looks like him. I can't help but see him everywhere.

Hmm, tired. for once im going to bed before 2 AM.

"I wish i could hear your voice,

Don't leave me alone in this bed.

I wish i could touch you once more,

Dont leave me alone in this bed.

Not tonight. Not tomorrow."

Oops I.....Again?

Vegas, yes the biggest little city in the world. && I am going for my 21st birthday. What was supposed to be a trip with my girlie bestie friend has turned into a semi-massive outing with my girlie bestie, my co-worker bestie &&&&&!!!!!!!!!! The guy i would give anything and everything to be with again. *sigh* yeah i kno what ur thinkin 'Jess whatf is wrong wit u!' but come on it wouldnt be a HAPPY Birthday without him. Funny thing is im stoked! By the way, i am also attending his graduation. tehehe.

Heart Domination

The heart wants, what the heart wants. You can't deny it anything. As hard as you may try, you simply cannot. I think I finally won the fight though...My heart has no choice but to step down, because what it wants...is gone. He left a very long time ago. And he's never coming back. 

Can't sleep, I swear this is getting too out of hand. Thinking about him 24/7??? It's not healthy, listening to Mariah Carey, Framing Hanley, ugh NOT good. Wishing he were mine. The Worst! He goes back home tomorrow, or should i say today. Time goes by quickly when ur submitting yourself into a deep endless drunken stupor. This will soon go away....i assume. Right now i cannot feel a thing i'm numb and empty. An empty numb cold shell. Sometimes, when i'm walking down the street or at the grocery store, i swear i see him...someone thatlooks like him and my heart breaks all over. The pain is so strong, i collapse a little. Dreaming, however, doesn't compare. 

"It doesn't matter where you are,

I'll hold you again.

I wish i could hear your voice, 

Don't leave me alone in this bed."

I'm gonna say goodbye, I dont know when but i will.

Looking into the distance,
it looks like she's staring right at him.
her eyes well up with tears,
shes about to let him go.

Hugging herself,
The words right at the tip of her tounge.
Breathing him in for one last time,
she let's the words come out

'It's time i let you go...'
'you don't care about us.'
"i care more than you know'
'Then don't do this.'
'I have to'
'Your gonna regret this'
'tell me about it.'
'I'm not coming back'
'I know....'

Walking away her feet give way.
Down she falls onto the ground
His scent was her last breath
Her last breath she ever took...