I'm sitting outside its midnight, and im freezing. Im wearing a sweater but its so light it feels like im not wearing it at all. My lap top is between my legs && im listening to the same song i listened to that day he broke up with me. I finally did it. I pushed him away, so far i wouldnt blame him if he never came back. I wouldn't.If it were someone else. I know, no matter what i say, i would always come back to him. I'm writing tonight not with a broken heart but with a shattered heart, the pieces being torn more than they already are. I can feel my heart bleeding. I dug my own grave and now im buried deep inside it, kicking and screaming punching holes in that nailed shut casket wishing and hoping for someone to hear me. But they don''t and im stuck inside it living with the fact that it's my own fault its my stupidity that led to my demise. The breeze is picking up making my body even colder but i don't care, because the one person who kept me warm, kept me alive and loved me is gone. Sometimes when i need him i close my eyes, and i swear i can feel him his arms wrapped around me not saying a word, just holding me. I closed my eyes a minute ago and i felt nothing. I didn't feel that energy from him. I've never felt so alone. But like Ben said, 'deal with it' i am the reason im feeling this way i asked for it. I face a cold empty emotionless road ahead of me. All alone i'll let the cold enrapture me, and listen intently as my heart finally gives out.

"Your always on my heart

Your always on my mind.

When it all becomes too much,

Your never far behind,

And there's no one that comes close to you

Could ever take your place

Cause only You can love me this way."

Encore.

I was right. Usually being right calls for celebration and endless gloating. This version of being 'right' calls for deep depression and a sleepless night. In the back of my mind i knew this day would come. Where he finally says 'I dont like u as much as u like me' code for yeah i've moved on. I just didn't think it'd be here so soon. But now that it is, i can finally be careless, I just want to sink into the deepest hole on earth and scream and shout and cry. Let everyone know that i'm hurting and im hurting badly. But in the end ill suck it up, knowing that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. I resort to screaming into my pillow allowing myself the night to be pathetic, melodramatic, and a nuisance. Starting tonight.

There Goes My Hero.

There's a song by Paramore, its called My Hero..their version of the song made famous in the Superman movie by someone else. This songs purpose is made simple and self explanatory just by reading the title. I have a hero,someone i know will be there for me through everything because he hasn't failed yet. There are countless things he knows about me that others dont. There's so much i have confessed to him, that i find difficult to even think about discussing with someone else. However, thinking now, and i know im going to get my ass kicked for attacking him out of the random blue moon, but Why do i have these feelings for someone who obviously doesn't have them back for me? I tell him everyday how much he means to me, how much he amazes me, with every compliment i give him everyday. Tonight i'm thoughtful. and in fear. Im hopelessly and undeniably in love with him. and i make that fact known everyday....however he doesn't say anything back just laughs. and sometimes it makes me wonder...does he still feel the same way about me? there are some things that lead me to believe there's nothing left between us.We used to speak almost all day, now? we spend moments talking...hardly. i miss how we used to be, open and inseparable. now i just feel like i lost him. which makes me think theres someone else and that thought hurts. more than i thought it would. no matter what ill never be prepared for that time when he finally gets a gf and tells me. im still determined more than ever to just simply drop out of the picture for good. I know i wont be able to survive without him but ill manage to succumb to the empty hole he'll leave in my heart, and spend my life asking myself...why not me.

My Hero - Paramore

venting and it feels soo...harsh?

I have so much to say. My problem is i don't know how to say it. I'm fed up with Lorenzo. Honestly do u really think i believe all that bullshit? Do you really think of me as THAT gullible? THAT stupid? No, I've been amongst your type, complete idiots. I wont buy your bullshit for a second. Just because i say 'yeah, ok, Zo i believe you' doesn't mean i actually do. secretly behind my back i cross my fingers. Yeah, i do. Cause to me your just a guy who wants nothing more than to sleep with ur female group of friends and brag about it. but you wont break me. I am unbreakable. I've tripped up once but I wont anymore. Fuck that, You won't play me. Why do you lie? Your face book says everything. Your horrible at hiding the evidence. Thinking things through....i realize i really don't care. your a player always have been always will be. You were there for me when i was weak, and i thank you, however you will never be a treasured friend. You are below me.

Always On My Mind.

Just because i say i'm okay doesn't mean i really am. I started doing this last week. I sneak out of my room, (yah like my parents are actually gonna check to make sure im 'sleeping' in my room.) i go to my spot on the mountain, its quite a hike but its the best place to watch the entire night sky. I take my ipod cause honestly this place is, like i said, quite a hike from my house. But once there i look up at the sky and i think about how majestic it looks how up there theres a world so very different from ours. And then i see my first shooting star of the night. and my mind drifts from amazed to speechless cause when i see a shooting my star my thoughts go directly to him. the one that makes me go weak at the knees the one who makes my heart soar when he says he loves me out of the blue, the one that makes me smile my brightest smile when my phone buzzes and beeps.

I think alot, when im at the boulder it's more that than a mountain really, I think about what it would be like to live on a star...It would be cool if stars were like luxurious condos available to anyone, but i guess when the star became a shooting star the people on it would be screwed...ok maybe thats not a good idea. Then i think about earth and finding a peaceful, secluded beach somewhere where i can run into the ocean and let the waves engulf me and swallow me whole. A private beach i can call my own where i can lay on the shore and stare up at the night sky again and day dream. BUT like most of my thoughts, HE comes into my day dreams and once again my heart races, my eyes stay glued to him permanantly, and i definitely cant think straight. It's a feeling that drives me crazy...it's also a feeling i wouldnt trade for anything.

Miluju tě "D lol